Missing Tim

I rarely write about Timmy. I always wish I could, and so honor him. Yet it is very hard for me to speak out of my pain. I read the blogs of 2 other mothers who have lost their precious children and they speak to me so much. They are both very gifted writers and I am so often amazed at how they can so eloquently or poignantly share what it is like to outlive a child. Sometimes it so mirrors my thoughts or feelings that I almost wish I could just copy it and share it for myself (giving credit where due, of course).

I have been told recently that I am a private person. I guess this is true. I have never really considered myself as such, but I guess I am careful with whom I share. I am willing to share with those who are willing to ask. I know that those who take the time to read this little blog are friends who love me, and therefore care. So I have begun, little by little, to write a little more from my heart.

God has been taking me on a journey of late. I don't know when it started. I guess many years ago. But now He has begun taking me down a new path. I began a bible study recently which He is using to go in deep and touch the raw and hurting places. They have been covered over for awhile. Every once in awhile they would see the light of day and my pain would come to the forefront. But I couldn't sustain it, so I would quickly pack it away again. I'm learning what some of the anesthetics I've been using are. None of them are bad in themselves. And in reality, I'm quite thankful for some of them, to a certain extent. But He is now showing me that it is time for them to go...or at least, in some cases, that they be relegated to the proper role in my life. He is a jealous God. I know he has been gracious with me and has understood my choices to medicate myself in order to go on. I don't know how differently I could have done it. But I do know that He is asking me to do it differently now.

I will be honest and say, it is very hard. I have been very sad of late. And yet, "God is close to the brokenhearted and SAVES those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18. About the same time that He led me to this bible study, he also opened the doors for Robert and I to attend a Grief class at our church. I was just His timing. I am not sure why, exactly. It is very painful for me. Yet I knew it was what the Lord wanted, and I am trusting Him to use it in this process called healing. Another blessing that He dropped in my lap was a chance to attend a women's retreat, led by a dear friend. It was so amazing how he wove together the same truths from my Bible study into this weekend. Truly amazing.

So, for whatever it is worth, I wanted to just share with those of you who care and maybe will pray for me, I miss my son. I just took the afternoon off and sent my kids downstairs to watch a movie (CARS), which I never do. maybe the occasional Kipper, but not a full-feature movie! However, I ended up watching the video from Timmy's memorial service. I have not seen it in over 3 years. But I felt like it was time. I bawled. I bawled like a mother who lost her baby.
Oh, what a boy. What a lifetime ago it seems. How can he have been gone 3 1/2 years? How is it that Micah is now the age Timmy was when he first got sick? And he is also the age Gabe was when he lost his big brother. Both Daniel and Gabe have passed Timmy in earthly years. As I saw the video clips from Tim's babyhood, he so reminded me of Joel--who also has a "pillow blankie" as Timmy always called his most special blanket. He is all around me, and yet never close enough. Never really here. Just memories that become too faint. And the beautiful promise of "someday" and "forever". So often that seems unreal and far-off. Yet I know it is the only reality.

I was reminded the other day, and at the end of this video I just watched, of something which was sung 3 1/2 years ago in a hospital room. The morning of October 25th, around a hospital bed, with family surrounding Timmy's shell, staring as if in a stupor. Daniel, who was 2 1/2, began to sing. "God is bigger than you. God is bigger than you. God is bigger than you. God is bigger than you." I think he sang it 30 times or more. over and over and over. I remember Lori crying out, "yes, Lord!" it was part desperation, part anguish, part hope. How did he know? If only I could remember that every morning. Every day, every sad moment.

Thank you Lord that you are bigger than me. Thank you that you are good and you want to heal and restore and renew. You are my only hope, my all in all.

I love you, Oh Lord, my strength and my redeemer.