"I'm a Percussionist"

that's what he said.

He came to my door today, this college student who said he was my neighbor. He lives 2 streets over. He goes to the UW and is a part of the orchestra. Apparently the UW Orchestra tried out for an opportunity to play with the London Symphony Orchestra this August and they were one of only 2 schools chosen. What an honor! So now they are raising money to take this trip of a lifetime. He had a handout with children's books or magazines to choose from. I knew I would help him, as soon as he told me what he did, my chest constricted and my heart was in my throat.

As he showed me the small selection of books and list of magazines, he said, "but in case those are not of interest to you, my mom has come up with a plan B. She volunteers for Children's Hospital and has worked it out that you can purchase the books and they will be given to the kids in the hospital."

Rather than start crying, I invited him in. As I tried to look at the list, I pointed to my canvas on the wall of Timmy and told him why I wanted to help him. He was obviously moved and not quite sure what to say, but he did better than most. I could not think very clearly and so asked Gabe to help me choose some books for the kids at the hospital. Shawn took the chance to look at the other picture on my wall, a painting of mountains and a lake, deer drinking from the water. He commented on the picture, wondering where the painting was depicting.

He saw the boys' blankets on the floor, the afghans made by Grammie.
He told me about his mom and girlfriend crocheting blankets for the kids at the hospital and how his mom just loved helping out there.

After I had written my check for his trip and for the books, he thanked me and again said that he was sorry for my loss. "But you are really blessed. You have a really special family here. I can tell you're a strong Christian family. Its really neat to see that. We're not really religious, but its really inspirational to see your family."

I wanted to say something profound or share about Jesus or at least give Him the credit for our family, but I couldn't even trust myself to speak. I just thanked him and smiled. After he left, I wondered what in my house had been evidence of our faith. I don't have crosses in the house or big bible verses. I hadn't talked of the Lord with Him. As I looked around where he'd seen, I saw the small verse at the bottom of my painting. "As the deer pants for the water, so my soul longs for you, O God." And now that I think of it, the music playing at the computer (Pandora) was all worship songs, and I do remember the name of Jesus being sung by Rita Springer in the background.

Then I walked into my kitchen, the big boys all back down the hall to their rooms, and I knelt on the counter and cried my eyes out. I felt like my heart was being squeezed and I could hardly breathe. I can't explain all the things I was crying for, but it was a lot. I cried because I wish my son could go to London and play with the London Symphony Orchestra. And I cried to remember Timmy reading books in the hospital.

I wanted to throw out a day of disciplined eating and stuff myself with the cookies on the counter and everything else in sight. And I wanted to despair, and quit the dinner preparation I'd been starting when he knocked.

I sat at the table and Joel walked over to me, tentatively, and let me pick him up (I did smile at him) and then he leaned his head on me while I cried. He is such an amazing blessing from the Lord. Then as I got up to begin doing what needed to be done a new song came on. It is a song which Jill Ludlow sang when she was here, at the women's retreat at which the Lord spoke so clearly to me. The main line is "I'll trade these ashes in for beauty, and wear forgiveness like a crown. I'll come and kiss the feet of mercy. I lay all these burdens down, at the foot of the cross." The first line is what spoke to me, tho. As it was a promise of all that God has been doing and promising me--the promise of beauty instead of ashes. The ashes of mourning.
It was like a kiss from God. I cried again as I thanked Him, the cookies forgotten.

My heart is sad. I miss my son. But I'm so thankful for a Savior who can meet me in the middle of my sadness. I don't know why Shawn came today. But even tho it hurts right now, I'm glad he did. I think the Lord sent him. And I'm not quite sure how he saw Jesus in our brief encounter. But I think He did. And I'm so in awe, yet again, that God could use my pain and loss and brokenness to point to Him. I really wish Timmy was here to point to Jesus instead. He did it so well. But in his absence, I want to do it well.

p.s. you can click on the picture to see it larger.