Twenty

If I could have one wish come true in my life, it would be you.

To see you as your 20 year old self, I can't even imagine. You had the deepest thoughts at age four, I can't even begin to think how beautiful you would be as a young man.

What would you be doing now? Playing college baseball somewhere? Living on the mission field already? Leading worship from the drums at church?

For one so young, you lived life so fully and passionately. Even before sickness and suffering deepened and strengthened you, you were stronger and deeper than many adults I know. But the beautiful tenderness that grew in you as you battled cancer has forever humbled me. You became more thankful for every moment we had together, and more loving of your brothers in all their craziness (he used to call Gabe and Daniel the "crash boom brothers" 😂.) You had a deep longing to be with Jesus, jealous for heaven. And yet you wanted to live here so badly. I wish we had won the battle to keep you here, sweet Timmy. The world lost greatly the day heaven welcomed you home.

But we will continue to celebrate your life. Because you are worth celebrating.
Today we will eat your favorite dinner. We will sing happy birthday and I will cry through it. And we will hold each other tightly and be thankful that we had you for almost six years.

And we will rejoice to know that someday we will hear your voice again, the first voice to ever call me mama.

Happy 20th Birthday, my precious boy. Mama misses you.
So. Much.